


A Desert Blessing, An Ocean Curse

by peroxideprincess



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-29 05:37:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/683447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peroxideprincess/pseuds/peroxideprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Water fears nothing but oil<br/>when you come to the water<br/>you should fear nothing."<br/>The Problem with Water, Emily Toder</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Desert Blessing, An Ocean Curse

**Author's Note:**

> Recently I can't write anything not holiday/weather themed, so this is the byproduct of that. Oops.
> 
> Some "disclaimers" or warnings to be aware of are: Implied rape/statutory rape and internalized homophobia. But other than that I think it's pretty free of things that might trigger/make you uncomfortable/etc. 
> 
> I'd really appreciate feedback and criticism of the constructive type!
> 
> I'd also recommend listening to The National or The Kooks while reading. Or don't. Whatever. I don't run your life.
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day!

“We should do something nice for Valentine’s Day.” Castiel threw out into the air, stretched out on Dean’s bed with a book laying over his chest. Dean looked up at him from the floor of the side of the bed, biochem textbook and notebook in hand.  
“Seriously, Cas? You know I hate all this holiday shit. Especially the ones made up by the card companies.” Dean spoke, flipping the textbook shut.  
“Well, the origin of the holiday is the Christian Saint Valentinus, a martyr, he married soldiers who weren’t to be married, something with the Romans or whatever, and he wasn’t associated with romance until the middle ages. Chaucer’s fault really, with the cupids. I always hated the Canterbury Tales. Anyway, around the 15th century is when it turned into a lover’s holiday, flowers and handwritten love letters. Then when the 19th century rolled around, handwritten love letters gave way to mass-produced greeting cards. Sentimental, I know.”  
“Cas?” Dean said, waiting for Castiel to lean over the edge of the bed with a ‘hmmmmm?’, and as he did, Dean brought his lips to meet Cas’. “As much as you love to throw your knowledge of virtually useless things around, I do not care.” Sometimes Dean forgot just how smart Castiel was.  
Cas let out a soft laugh, rolling back onto the bed before beginning to speak, “I just think it’d be nice to pay an ode to a mainstream holiday that was created sort of by accident.” he paused, glancing towards Dean who did move, which was his cue to continue talking, “The holiday that evolved to be: What a man can do with one little poem.”  
“The hearts and cupids go on hold until I rock the shit out of this biochem test in an hour, alright?”  
“God, who in their right mind goes to college and takes biochemistry.”  
“Higher Education is what they call it, baby. I’ll see you tonight.” Dean said as he grabbed his books and began to exit Castiel’s dorm, muttering a ‘goodbye’ as he shut the door behind him.

 

“Dude, I’m on my way right now. You know I don’t get out of class til five.” Dean talked into his phone while fumbling with his keys.  
“Good, but I have news. We, you and I, have dinner arrangements tomorrow. Valentine’s Day. Hearts and cupids. Remember Winchester?” Castiel said from the other end.  
Dean physically winced. “I don’t really have a say in this, do I?”  
“No, you really don’t. It’s going to be more than just dinner, I know you hate surprises, but since when do I actually cater to what you’re comfortable with?”  
He took a moment to soak up the sarcasm in Castiel’s voice, “Since never. Always pushing me out of the little box.”  
“Closet, actually.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“Nothing, gotta run. The Brothers of Karamazov is calling my name. Really pretentious. You wouldn’t understand.”  
“Bye, Cas.” Dean said mostly to himself, he already knew the line was dead.

“Can I at least get a little hint as to where you’re talking me?” Dean asked, feeling foreign to the passenger seat of his car.  
“Patience, Grasshopper.”  
“You suck at driving a stick.”  
“There’s another thing in mind I would like to suck at.” Dean shot him a condescending glance, but all Cas could do was smirk at his own comeback.  
They drove for a good twenty minutes in silence, other than the radio aching several classic rock tunes. Castiel finally pulled over on the side of a street downtown. He took the keys out of ignition, tossing them over to Dean who caught them one-handed.  
“Ready to get romantic and chick flicky?” Cas said as he had his hand on the door handle, turned to smile at the boy sitting beside him.  
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” He sighed and got out of the Impala, walking around to meet Cas. Dean wasn’t exactly, out, about his sexuality. He always considered it a passing phase. One fuck and it would go way, right? He felt comfortable with himself on most days, especially being isolated from his family being away at school, minus the every-other-day phone calls. He’d left all his homophobic friends back in highschool. All his college life friends were quite the liberal bunch. God-denying, abortion-loving, abominations of the 21st century. And he loved it that way. But when it came to traveling off campus, being out in the “real world”, he hated himself. He hated how people looked at him when he was with Castiel, he wished he could just stay with Castiel in his dorm forever. He’s met with overwhelming waves of anxiety, guilt, and shame. He shouldn’t be this way. He felt like folding into the smallest form of himself he could be, unseen from the world, a small unnoticed crack in the universe.  
The downtown nightlife was extremely active tonight, regardless of it being a Thursday night. It was a holiday after all. Dean felt that ever too familiar wave, and grabbed for Castiel’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Dean was in love with Castiel. Hopelessly, dependently in love with him. He’d never say it though. Even when Cas would whisper him sweet nothings and idle ‘I love you’’s, he wouldn’t return the favor. He just wasn’t there with himself yet.  
Cas quickly realized his queue to speak when Dean was seemingly trying to detach his hand from his arm, “Dean are you okay? We don’t have to- and I get that-” Castiel paused, usually only at a loss for coherent sentences when he knew Dean was upset. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”  
Dean let out the breath he was unaware he was holding and loosened the grip he had on Cas’ hand. “No, no I’m okay. You were really excited about this so, let’s do this.”  
“Are you sure?” Cas asked again, cocking his head slightly to the left.  
“Yeah. I’m sure. Lead the way, Romeo.”  
The small restaurant was about a three minutes walk from where they had parked, which Dean was grateful for. They walked into the 50’s themed diner, picking a booth in the corner of the restaurant after reading the ‘please seat yourself’ sign. Dean was also grateful that the place was mostly empty aside from a few people sitting at the counter and an older couple several booths in front of them.  
“So this is your idea of romantic? Remind me to never buy you a diamond necklace.” Dean joked as he scanned the menu that was pre-placed on the table.  
“I’m not sure what kind of man I strike you as, but I am most certainly not a formal event kind of guy. The simple things.” After he spoke he let his eyes fall to his hands on the table in front of him.  
“I like it. Thanks for dragging me out tonight. This beats ramen and How I Met Your Mother reruns.”  
“No it doesn’t.” Cas said, lifting his head to meet Dean’s eyes and they both had a small laugh.  
“Y’all two babes know whatcha want already? I’d recommend the waffles or the steak and fries. Oh and the milkshakes here are to absolutely die for. Since today is Valentine’s Day, I would totally go with the Valentine’s Day themed one. It’s just strawberry with some chocolate in it. But so good. But hey, order what you’d like. I don’t run y’alls lives.” A short, thick brunette on roller-skates talked to the two, holding out her pen and notepad, sitting into her right hip.  
Cas and Dean shared a glance before Dean spoke up, “I’ll just have a Cheeseburger with fries and one of those festive shakes.”  
Cas looked over the menu before answering, “I will have a black bean burger and the latter of his. Thanks.” he smiled and gave a nod, handing the menus back to her as she skated off.  
“So what made you pick this place, Cas?”  
“You know you’re the first person to ever call me Cas?”  
“Really?” Dean asked, slightly taken aback. It never occurred to him that he was the one who nicknamed him.  
“Yeah,” Cas chuckled, leaning back into the booth. “Up until I met you I always prided myself in my name, ‘Castiel’, so fucking retro. Jo, Balth, and all them never called me Cas until you transferred.”  
“Huh.” he spoke blankly, smirking. They talked idly about school, friends, and music until their waitress came back with their dinner. They ate, paid, and made their way back to the Impala.  
“You may think this is really lame.” Cas talked as he climbed in and started Dean’s car.  
“What?”  
“You didn’t really think we were just going out for just dinner did you? It’s going to be about an hour’s drive, just so you know.” Cas said smiling, looking over at Dean.  
“What is within an hour’s drive of this place?”  
“Guess you’re about to find out, Winchester.”  
Cas had be driving on back roads lit poorly by cheap street lampposts for a good forty minutes. They had enjoyed the ride in a comfortable silence, one Dean never really liked unless he was with Castiel.  
“Are we almost there.” Dean groaned with his head against the window, his sentence coming out more like a statement and less like a question.  
“Probably about another twenty or so minutes.” Cas said as Dean let out an exaggerated sigh.  
“I don’t mean to put a damper on the mood or anything, but, can I tell you something?” he asked, fidgeting with his right earlobe.  
“Uh, yeah, sure. What is it?” Castiel’s voice was tentative, thrown off but the randomness and the oddity of Dean wanting to share.  
“Do you ever- how do I explain this- I feel like I haven’t, thought about stuff in a while, y’know. I feel like I haven’t thought about an actual fucking thing in a long while.” Dean spoke while running his hands over his face.  
“Like there’s a wall up between you and what matters. Or what should matter.”  
“Yeah. Basically.” Dean let out a sigh of relief, he’d forgotten how easy Castiel was able to understand metaphysical things. “When I was a freshman, there was this teacher. I don’t even want to say his name, it’s like poison in my mouth now. He’d give back my work with little sticky notes giving me a time and a place to meet him or h- how my body kept him up at night and I-,” Dean took a sharp breath in at an attempt to calm himself down. He laughed a little before continuing, “He let me smoke weed in the back of his truck during lunch, if I could convince him I loved him enough a- and”  
“Dean,” Cas cut him off, trying to hide his astonished gaze. “Dean, you’re okay. It’s okay. You never told anyone about this?”  
Dean continued, looking away from Cas, down into the floorboard. “He was always, rough, with me and I always figured it was part of- whatever it was and, and sometimes I would just piss him off so fucking bad, y’know? And he’d swing at me. I would fight back, obviously, I was used to that kind of shit. But he was just- he had his ways.” Dean fidgeted, clearly uncomfortable. Except Castiel didn’t know what to say. “I was so stupid and fucking clueless. I finally kind of broke it off with him, a little after that next Christmas. We’d still met up and, I couldn’t skip class everyday so...” He breathed in, tears building in in the corners of his eyes. “Anyway, long story short. When I was sixteen, he jumped off a building. And today’s sort of the anniversary of his death.”  
“Dean I had no idea- If I had known I would have never-” Castiel said quickly as he pulled the Impala over to the side of the road.  
“You did nothing wrong, I just, I’m responsible for his death. It’s my fault he killed himself.” he said softly, turning to let his eyes meet Dean’s.  
“Dean. This is not your fault.”  
“Yeah, it is Cas. Yeah, it is.”  
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Castiel breathed into Dean’s neck, now wrapped around him, kissing his neck. Dean’s face was red with tears as he brought his lips to meet Cas’. They kiss slowly, movie esque. Cas pulled away from Dean after awhile, the pain in Dean’s eyes hurt him more than Dean could ever know.  
“Did you love him?” Cas whispered.  
Dean sniffed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, “I don’t know. He ruined me, Cas.”  
“You’re not ruined, you’re just a little bruised on the edges. It makes you more lovable.” Cas said, running his fingers through Dean’s hair.  
“I feel so worthless and vulnerable and I hate that.” He spoke, words hardly above a whisper.  
“The ocean’s waters haven’t washed you away yet.” Castiel said bringing Dean in for a hug. They sat in the Impala in dead silence for a while, intertwined in each other.  
Dean sat up, pulling away from Castiel, “So are we doing this surprise thing or what?”  
“You’re seriously feeling up to that?”  
“Well maybe if you told me what the surprise even is.” Dean said, his voice rich with sarcasm, “Really, Cas. I’m done with letting shit like that control me.” Cas gave Dean a smile, putting the keys back in ignition and pulling off the side of the road. 

“Seriously, Cas? Why are we walking up a freaking mountain?” Dean complained.  
“Come on, Winchester! We’re gonna miss it!” Cas said excitedly, running ahead of Dean. Dean noted, and smiled at the fact, that whenever Castiel was elated over something he had a very childlike energy.  
“Are those lights? And people?” Dean said, still jogging to keep up with Castiel.  
“Yes, humans, meat bags with complex nervous systems made out of essentially stardust. Inhabitants of Earth. Now come on!” They jogged a few more feet until they came to a clearing with a good hundred people or so all holding paper lanterns.  
“What is this, Cas?” Dean asked.  
“This. Is.” He paused to catch his breath, “A. Paper lantern let go. Or let off. Whatever. Lights. Floating. Sky. Tell me I’m romantic.”  
“Cas baby, you’re the best; this is lame as hell, but you’re the best.” Dean smiled, grabbing for Castiel’s hand.  
A short (over enthusiastic) girl made her way over to them, “Hey guys! Would you like a lantern to let off?” Cas nodded, “Would you like me to write anything on it? Like your names or a phrase or something?”  
“Could you write ‘When I am with you, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. And I am a person who always wants to be somewhere else.’ please?” Castiel asked the girl meekly, she looked from Cas to Dean and smiled, quickly writing the words on the lantern in girly handwriting. They thanked her after she handed them the lantern, candle, and a lighter.  
“What was that?” Dean asked.  
“It’s David Levithan. I’m usually not a big fan of more recent literature, but I am quite the fan of his. I thought the quote was appropriate.”  
“Is that how you feel, the quote?”  
“Yeah. Sometimes the time with you is the only time that matters to me.” Cas said shyly, looking right into Dean’s eyes.  
“Cas, I lo-” before he could finish his sentence, he was cut off by the girl in charge again.  
“ALRIGHT EVERYONE. IF YOU COULD PLEASE LIGHT YOUR CANDLE AND SET IT IN YOUR LANTERN, CAREFULLY. WE WOULD NOT LIKE A REPEAT OF LAST YEAR. CHUCK, THE FIRE MARSHALL WOULD NOT APPRECIATE ANOTHER SMALL FIRE IN A NATIONAL PARK.” The girl yelled to everyone, and a loud ‘sorry baby!’ came from across the clearing. Castiel held their lantern as Dean lit the candle and set it into the lantern, both laughing as they did so. Everyone around them did the same, a field of yellow light in the middle of a forest.  
“IS EVERYONE READY?!” She yelled again, Cas and Dean both holding their landern, standing across from each other smiling idiotically. “OKAY. SHOULD WE DO A COUNTDOWN? FROM THREE AND THEN EVERYONE LET’S OFF THEIR LANTERN.”  
“THREE, TWO, ONE!” Everyone screamed, Dean and Cas let go of their lantern, watching it float up into the night sky along with everyone else’s. Dean grabbed Castiel around the waist and pulled him into a kiss.  
“I love you, Cas so much. I’m so sorry for everything.” Dean spoke, pressing his forehead against Cas’.  
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I love you too much.” Cas kissed him again, and they watch their lantern be consumed by the darkness of the sky. To be with each other, was to be exactly where they were meant to be.


End file.
